She's Got Moxie
by PhantasyPhan13
Summary: Since Gru and Lucy's marriage, everyone has been happy...except for Stuart, who wishes for a girlfriend of his own. The only problem: there's no such thing as a girl Minion...or is there? When eco-villainess Bottie sends her girl Minion Moxie on a mission to discover how to create a mega freeze-ray, Stuart winds up being Moxie's target...and both will wind up in a crazy adventure.
1. Prologue: The Great Ice Heist

She's Got Moxie

Prologue: The Great Ice Heist

It was a fairly normal day at the Antarctic research station. Men with frozen beards and moustaches hurried around like fat penguins, recording the weather conditions and measuring the depth of the snow. Women with thick scarves that covered their faces and frosted eyelashes scribbled on notepads and hypothesized with their fellow researchers. The only thing that could have possibly signaled the insanity that was about to follow was the fact that there was an unusually strong wind that day.

Throughout the day, the researchers found themselves frequently clinging to their hats to keep them from flying off. It wasn't uncommon for a researcher to suddenly tear off across the ice, flailing as they struggled in vain to retrieve their big wooly scarf. Even the most stoic of the scientists began to feel anxiety about the strange goings-on.

Eventually the wind turned into a vortex of air that ripped apart tarps and knocked over vials of dangerous compounds, causing no end of panic and clouds that stank of bizarre chemicals. The vortex soon began to lift equipment off the ground, only to drop it and smash it into a million pieces. It wasn't long before the scientists were subjected to the same fate, resulting in sore bottoms and bruised noses.

All of a sudden, the vicious gale died down. The researchers continued to crouch on the ground for several moments, fearing that this was merely the eye of the storm. After a half hour had passed, it was evident that the wind was gone for good. The scientists scrambled to their feet, flashing smiles of relief at one another.

Just as they had recovered from the unsettling experience, the very ground started to tremble violently. Buildings, equipment, and researchers were savagely hurled to the earth, as though the land was expressing its fury against them. The foundations of Antarctica cracked and shook as though a hand were squeezing it to its core. Snowballs formed and threw themselves at anything they could. More than one researcher was turned into a human snowman by the raging snow.

Out of the blue, Antarctica was sucked up into the sky. Everything that had formerly been situated on its surface was tossed into the water like useless garbage. The icy continent shrank to the size of a dinner plate before disappearing into the belly of a dark green helicopter painted with pink flower and green, curling vine designs.

An auburn-haired woman wearing a green headband popped her head out of the vehicle and stuck out her tongue at the researchers floundering in the water below. "Take that, ya tree-chopping ninnies!" she shrieked before turning around and flying away into the clear blue skies.

All the scientists stared blankly after the helicopter as it gradually shrank to a miniscule dot in the sky. Once the aircraft had disappeared from their sight, they looked at one another, hoping that one of them would have an idea as to how they could find a rescuer. When nobody spoke, they all groaned in dismay and slapped their foreheads. Their prospects of rescue were looking very dim at the moment. It appeared as though the only solution was to swim to a nearby piece of land until they could find a boat willing to let them board.

A scientist with a huge frozen mustache looked at his blue-lipped friend and shrugged. "Looks like it's going to be a long swim home, Bob."


	2. Chapter 1: A Bit of a Jam

**A/N: Since this story will be Minion-oriented, it will be more important to know that they're saying. Therefore, I have conveniently translated Minionese into English for all readers who don't have a master's degree in that despicable language yet. :P Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter One: A Bit of a Jam

_KABOOM! _Stuart jumped as the thunder sounded and lightning struck the ground a few miles away from the Gothic home of the Gru family. He gripped the handle on his umbrella tighter, grateful for the protection it gave him from the relentlessly pounding rain. He just hoped that he wouldn't have the misfortune of getting zapped by the sizzling thunderbolts.

Stuart normally would have been inside eating bananas in Gru's secret underground lab with his best friend, Dave, but there was something he needed to think about without being interrupted by the never-ending chatter of the other Minions.

Ever since the marriage of Lucy Wilde and Felonius Gru, there had been something on Stuart's mind that had never occurred to him before. Like everyone else, he noticed that Gru seemed much happier after his marriage to Lucy. It wasn't uncommon to see Gru prancing cheerfully down the sidewalk while whistling a merry tune. He also laughed more often and never hesitated to spend the day with the girls at the mall or go out for dinner with Lucy.

In addition to his chipper attitude, Gru seemed to be more patient and understanding of both his adopted daughters and the Minions. Whenever they got into trouble because of some mischievous hijinks, Gru would talk to them about their actions and punish them if necessary, but he never got fed up with them or snapped like he had before. Naturally, Stuart appreciated this newfound tolerance as much as everyone else did, but Gru's behavior had also put a new thought in his mind.

Stuart had begun to ponder if he might be happier if he had a girlfriend, too. Gru had changed so much from his old days of gleeful villainy that Stuart wondered if sharing life with a special someone would have the same effect on him. Of course, he'd been pretty content to work for Gru for his whole life, but now he wondered if life was more than just secret ice cream parties and constructing helpful gadgets for Gru.

The door opened with a creak behind Stuart, interrupting his reverie. He jumped again and spun around to face the intruder. Dave grinned goofily back at Stuart. _"What's up, Stuart? Bananas?" _Dave asked cheerfully.

Stuart shrugged. _"No bananas, Stuart. Thinking about getting a girlfriend."_

_"Girlfriend AGAIN?!" _Dave sighed in exasperation. Stuart had been talking about having a girlfriend for DAYS. He couldn't understand why Stuart had become so serious since Gru's marriage. Sure, it was a big change for the entire family, but on the whole everybody was much happier and at least Gru didn't get so angry when the Minions made mischief around the house. Who needed a girlfriend? Lucy was all Dave wanted in a girl, and he got to see her pretty much every hour of every day. If only Gru hadn't married her….

Stuart smirked at Dave's daydreamy expression as he stared into space. _" See? You want a girl too," _Stuart teased. Dave just stuck out his tongue. He knew that pretty much every member of the Gru family and every Minion thought he was bananas for falling in love with Lucy, but he just couldn't help himself. She was tough, she was funny, she was smart, and she was incredibly hot. If it weren't for her habit of zapping people with her invincible lipstick taser, Dave would have eloped with her a long while back. At least he would have if it was possible for a Minion to elope with a human.

"Dave? Stuart? WHERE ARE YOU?!" Gru called. Dave and Stuart merely giggled in reply. Gru sighed with frustration and clomped towards the front of the house. He stopped abruptly when he realized that he was practically standing on top of the two chitchatting Minions. "What do you guys think you're doing? It's almost time for dinner! Besides, Dr. Nefario and I are working on a new line of jellies that we think might actually sell in ze stores….at least, zey will if zey don't kill our taste testers-meaning _you_!"

_"W-whaaat?!" _Dave and Stuart gasped in unison.

Gru grinned smugly down at his Minons. "Come on, it will be fun…it won't be as bad as ze last batch. You might even enjoy yourselves this time. Follow me and we'll start imme-hey, get back here! You can't escape zis time, no matter how bad ze jellies taste!"

Dave and Stuart ignored Gru and ran as though their lives depended on it. They didn't care what Gru promised them-both Minions knew what a terrible liar he was. All they knew was that the jelly would probably taste worse than Limburger cheese smelled and that they would be forced to swallow it, no matter how awful it was. Gru was convinced that someday his jelly and jam-making business would make a profit. And everybody knew that when Gru put his mind to something, there was absolutely no hope of stopping him from carrying on his nefarious plots.

The Minions had just managed to outdistance Gru when they abruptly smacked into a bright turquoise coat. Both Dave and Stuart fell onto their butts and rubbed their heads, blinking to clear the stars from their eyes.

_"Bad idea, Stuart,"_ Dave complained. Stuart opened his mouth to protest, but his words were lost when he realized who they had just crashed into. His jaw hit the floor as he stared up at Lucy's slender frame. He was so awestruck by the pretty woman in front of him that he didn't even notice the drool dribbling out of his mouth.

"Hi there! Hey, aren't you the Minions Gru wanted to test the new jelly? You're not trying to escape, are you?" Lucy asked cheerfully. Dave nodded stupidly in agreement. He was so in love with Lucy that he would have agreed with her even if she had called him an idiot in front of Gru.

"Well, looks like you managed to get away from him. Yay!" Lucy clapped her hands eagerly. Dave grinned dopily at her encouragement. Without thinking of the possible consequences involved, Dave got to his feet, bowed, and romantically blew air kisses in Lucy's direction.

Stuart knew that they were in trouble as soon as he saw the surprised look on Lucy's face. _"Dave, run!" _Stuart warned. He leapt to his feet and shoved Dave out of the way, but they just fell in a sloppy heap on the rug. Both Minions struggled furiously to get to their feet and dart out of the way, but somehow they wound up becoming entangled in both themselves and the rug.

With an ear-splitting "HIYAA!" and a black-belt-quality karate chop, Lucy split the rug in two and freed the Minions. Dave immediately pulled his arm out of Stuart's mouth and Stuart yanked his foot from Dave's buttocks. After sorting themselves out, Stuart and Dave turned to Lucy and bowed with gratitude.

Lucy smiled in return, but it wasn't the kind of smile that the Minions had been hoping for. "I'm sorry, but I had to do this…." Lucy began. She pulled out a tube-shaped object from her purse. The Minions paled when they realized that she had just revealed her infamous brand-new lipstick taser. When Lucy was in zapping mode, nobody was safe, not even her own husband.

Dave screamed and tried to flee, but Stuart got distracted by the sight of something small scuttling outside. Stuart could have sworn that it was a black-haired girl about his size. He hurried to the window to get a better look, but he slipped on the rug and slammed into a table. The table toppled over and sent a precious vase flying through the hair. The vase hit Dave in the forehead, knocking him to the ground and giving him a ginormous bump.

Stuart blushed sheepishly at Dave's murderous glare. He was running over to help his friend up when he suddenly flew through the air and landed at Lucy's feet with a thud. He looked up to see Dave being kicked into the air by Lucy's high-heeled foot as well. Dave hit the ground next to Stuart, but he wasn't as lucky. By chance, he had happened to land doing the splits. Judging by Dave's groans and squinched eyes, it wasn't a particularly comfortable position to wind up in.

Before either of them had a chance to do anything, Lucy brandished her weapon and gleefully yelled, "LIPSTICK TASER!"

Shocking currents of electricity pulsated through the bodies of Dave and Stuart, causing them to convulse uncontrollably. It was rather painful, but luckily it didn't last for very long. Two seconds later, both Minions were flat on their backs on the floor. They were out cold.

After checking to make sure that Stuart and Dave were completely out, Lucy grabbed them and stuffed them into a secret pocket in her coat. She trotted down the hall, smiling from ear to ear. She couldn't wait to see what Gru's reaction would be to her daring ambush. He certainly wouldn't have any trouble getting taste-testers for his jelly anymore.

…

Moxie stared through the window of the dark, intimating house, watching as the woman with the fiery red hair carried the unconscious Minions away. She narrowed her eyes and adjusted her raven-black ponytail. It looked as if charming her way into the Gru family home would be harder than her master Bottie made it out to be.

Only a few hours before, Bottie had instructed the she-Minion to sneak into the home of the Grus and seduce one of his Minions in order to learn the top-secret information needed to construct a freeze ray.

"Find out from one of those yellow dopes how to make a freeze ray as quickly as possible! Those stupid humans have already polluted the atmosphere enough with all their fuel-burning cars and their tree-strangling paper bags. It's enough to drive an environmentalist insane! But when I make that freeze ray and bring about the next Ice Age with it...well…they'd better consider going green or else," Bottie had ranted. Moxie had nodded and saluted her in understanding. With only the directions to the Grus' home and Bottie's special goo gun in hand, she'd been sent off on her mission with a mere goodbye and a kick out the door.

Although Bottie hadn't exactly stated it outright, Moxie knew with a certainty that things would not be good for her or her she-Minion sisters if she failed in this undertaking. Bottie had always been an extreme environmentalist and she was convinced that anything that hurt the environment or was unnatural in any shape or form was devil spawn. Unfortunately, the Minions were on her list of despicable anomalies. She wasn't convinced that they were naturally-born creatures-in her opinion, any being that doubled as a glow stick was undeniably a mutant.

Because of Bottie's hatred towards abnormalities, she treated every one of her Minions with heartlessness. The only real reason she had ever recruited them in the first place was because of the rumors that the only reason the aging supervillain Gru was still successful was because of the assistance of his Minions.

Although Bottie had undeniably benefited from the aid of her Minions, she gave them no credit for their work and expected them to slave away endlessly for no pay. It was a miserable life for any assistant, and the fact that Bottie would not allow them to have parties or even take vacations made things even worse. Moxie knew that Bottie in a bad mood would be ten times worse than Bottie on a perfectly normal day.

Moxie snapped back to attention, knowing that she had no time to waste if she was to achieve her goal of retrieving the freeze ray information. She scanned the window with her keen bluish-brown eyes, trying to determine the best way to enter. It wasn't a particularly formidable window. However, Moxie had the feeling that there was a good chance that it was booby-trapped. Supervillains were vastly different from the normal population in terms of home décor. Most enjoyed unusual weapons and it was quite possible that the window could be a blaster ray or a grenade launcher in disguise.

There was only one way to find out if the window was as innocent as it appeared. Balancing the goo gun on her right arm, Moxie backed away and aimed carefully. Just as she was about to pull the trigger, a greenish-brown creature that appeared to be equal parts dragon and bulldog charged down the driveway, snarling and bearing its machete-sharp teeth. It lunged at Moxie and managed to tear off a piece of her electric violet skirt. Unfazed by the attack, Moxie repositioned her aim and blasted the goo gun at the hostile mutt.

A barrage of slimy, stinky, sickly greenish light burst forth from the goo gun and hit the beastly animal right smack dab in the snout. The creature yelped and turned to run away, but it miraculously vanished before it even had a chance to take one step. In the place of the strange critter was a steaming forest-green heap of goo with two doleful dark eyes and a couple of wolfish incisors sticking out from it.

The goo shrieked and slid greasily across the lawn towards the intimidating door of the Gru home. It dashed through what appeared to be a dog door and gave Moxie one last glare before slithering out of sight. Moxie grinned in triumph, giving the goo gun a fond pat. Now that the bulldog-dragon creature was out of the way, all she had to do was sneak into the house and endear herself to one of Gru's Minions. Once the Minion of her choosing spilled the beans, everything would be as easy as taking a weapon from a snoring villain.

Moxie stepped confidently towards the house, ready for anything that might come her way. But she was not prepared for the huge surprise that barreled out the door. A blonde girl wearing a pink knitted cap who appeared to be about nine or ten years old tackled Moxie and held her down with a grip like steel. Moxie kicked the girl in the stomach, but she fearlessly put her foot on top of Moxie, gazing at her as though she were something incredible and dangerous.

"Were you the one who blew up Kyle? That was so awesome!" the blonde girl exclaimed. Moxie gave her a long, cold glare and did not reply. However, that didn't stop the girl from chattering on. "How'd you do that? Do have some kind of secret grenade launcher or something? Dad was so freaked out when Kyle came in the door all goopy like that! Seriously, that has got to be the funniest thing that's ever happened to us! Well, that and blowing up that rude guy's game at the carnival…"

Moxie's eyes widened at the mention of the carnival game. Bottie had been reading the newspaper one morning when she spilled coffee on her sweats. Bottie was something of a perfectionist and even the tiniest stain on her clothing was enough to send her into a terribly foul mood. She had rushed off in a huff to change her clothes. In her hurry, she had absentmindedly tossed the newspaper onto the table and left it there.

While she changed her clothes, Moxie curiously picked up the newspaper and saw a startling image on the front page. An extremely singed man seemingly missing half of his red hair wearing a carnival barker's outfit stood staring out of his booth at a heavyset bald man and three little girls of varying ages. _MYSTERIOUS SUPERVILLIAN VAPORIZES CARNIVAL BARKER'S SPACE KILLER BOOTH! _The headlines had screamed. Moxie had read the article with trepidation and felt even more alarmed when she realized that it was Gru who had pulled off the insanely humorous feat.

She'd been even more upset when Bottie's boyfriend, Shaun, had shown up later that day wearing a ridiculous rainbow-colored clown's wig and realized that he was the victim of Gru's villainy. Ever since that day, she had sworn to get revenge on Gru for his act of cruelty towards her master's boyfriend, and seeing this little girl talking about the explosion so nonchalantly made her even angrier than before.

Mercilessly, Moxie raised her gun in the air and aimed it at the girl. The girl just crossed her arms and stared in fascination at the weapon. "Is that the thing that turns people into goo? That's so cool! Can I try it?" she asked eagerly. Moxie ignored her and pulled the trigger. In a matter of seconds, the girl had been vaporized just like bulldog-creature.

Moxie ignored the girl's shrieks and began to trek up to the house, deliberately stepping hard on the girl's forehead. "Ow!" she complained. Moxie took no notice. Instead she clambered up to the doorstop, rung the doorbell, and dove behind a bush. She had a plan in mind and now was the time to act on it. If it went right, she'd be able to make one of those stupid Minions fall in love with her in no time.

….

Stuart cautiously peeled back his eyelids to find a blurry pointed nose poking him in the forehead. He blinked again to focus his eye and realized that Gru was staring at him with a despicably evil grin on his face. "Ah, there you are. It's about time you came around for ze…..pause for effect….best-tasting jam in ze world!"

Stuart let out a silly scream of panic and struggled to get up. He felt a jolt of electricity charging through his veins and fell back. After catching his breath, Stuart looked down at himself to find that he was chained to a chair with silver wires.

_"AAAAHHH! Dave, wake up!" _Stuart shrieked. He tried to nudge the still-sleeping Dave with his elbow, but the shock that pummeled his tiny yellow body was ten times worse than the first. He flopped back in the chair and closed his eye, hoping that the jam-tasting session would be over quickly.

_"I'M SORRY, MR. BANANA! I WON'T EAT YOU EVER AGAIN!" _Dave yelped. He twitched in his sleep, causing the wires to zap him to full consciousness. He blinked a couple of times and looked around, utterly bewildered to find himself tied up in the lab. _"Eh? What are we doing here…Stuart?" _Dave asked in confusion. He seemed startled at the sight of Stuart tied up in the chair next to him.

_"Dave! What happened? Is Gru torturing us into eating the jelly?" _Stuart questioned.

Dave attempted to shrug but got zapped again. _"I…ow…don't know! But I'm really mad at Lucy for zapping us! I thought she was a nice lady-guess I was wrong!"_

Stuart burst out laughing at Dave's comment, ignoring the stares coming from his friend. Eventually, the constant ticklish zapping got to Stuart and he finally stopped giggling. He reached up and wiped the hysterical tears away from his eye. He looked over at Dave and was about to ask a question when suddenly a spoon was lowered in front of him, loaded with a sweet-smelling yellowish jam. Strangely enough, it smelled almost exactly like bananas.

"Alright, you guys. Get a taste of zis jam and let me know what you think. Hopefully it won't be TOO bad zis time around…" Gru snickered. The two Minions looked at each other doubtfully, but before they could do anything, Gru flicked a switch that caused the spoons to jam forcefully into their mouths.

Both Minions went glazy-eyed as soon as the jam touched their taste buds. It was as heavenly as a chocolate-covered banana dipped in whipped cream. The taste took them away to a tropical island with ocean breezes and pretty girls as far as the eye could see. _"Aaaahh," _Dave and Stuart sighed in contentment. Unfortunately, the vision was over as soon as it had appeared. Three seconds later, they were back in the underground lab with Gru and Dr. Nefario staring at them intensely, eagerly awaiting their reactions.

"I think we've made a winner this time, Gru!" Dr. Nefario exclaimed, enthusiastically patting Gru on the back with his black rubber-gloved hand.

Gru grinned toothily at the sight of the enraptured Minions. "I think we've got it, Nefario. Now ZAT is what I'm talking about!"

All the Minions cheered uproariously. They scrambled over to a large glass container holding the rest of the banana jam and threw themselves into it, as if it were a swimming pool. As they floated around in the yellow goop, they gobbled down mouthfuls of it, as if it would disappear if they stopped eating.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I'm going to sell zat jam in ze stores! It's not for YOU!" Gru cried, waving his arms as he rushed over to try and stop the Minions from sabotaging his precious jam. Unfortunately, every single drop of banana jam had disappeared into the stomachs of the Minions two seconds later. When they were finished, the Minions climbed out of the jam container, flopped contently to the ground, and belched loudly.

"All of zat jam….gone! Nada! And just when I _finally _figured out ze perfect recipe!" Gru ranted. He hunched his shoulders and gave a deep sigh of despair. He had had such high hopes for this new batch, but once again his brilliant plans had been foiled. It was enough to make a jam maker want to quit completely.

"I'm sorry, Gru. At least we know it would have been successful…" Nefario trailed off, trying his best to console Gru.

Gru shrugged. "I suppose you're right. Wait a minute….is zere any chance that you can make another batch of jam? Except zis time, we'll make sure that none of ze Minions get zeir hands on it…" Gru glared at a particularly stuffed Minion lounging on the floor. The Minion smiled sheepishly in reply. He rubbed his tummy and let out a gigantic burp, causing the entire lab of Minions burst into laughter.

"No, Gru…I'm afraid I can't remember the recipe," Nefario admitted.

"_VHAT?! _But we just made a whole batch of it three hours ago!" Gru gasped incredulously.

"Yes, but I burned the recipe right after we finished. I didn't want anyone to steal it if it turned out to be a success…" Nefario shrugged helplessly.

Gru moaned and slapped his forehead. "I can't believe you forgot ze whole recipe! It could have been ze big new thing! It vould be in ze news! It vould be sold across ze entire country! Ve could have conquered ze VORLD with it! But now it's all gone…because of your old age. VHY do all zese crazy old men forget EVERYTHING zey do?"

"Gru! I am NOT a 'crazy old man'! I just forgot the recipe!" Nefario cried, angry at his formerly villainous partner. He walked away and hopped onto his moped. It sluggishly came to life with a feeble whirr and slowly rolled out of the lab at an almost painful rate.

The Minions shrugged and looked at one another, unsure about what they should do. _"Again?" _Steve spoke up cautiously. He had been working for Gru long enough to know that he could be horrifying when angered, but at the same time he really believed that if they remade the banana-jam recipe, things would work out for the best.

Gru sighed wearily. "Not again, Steve. Never ever again," Gru said quietly. Suddenly overcome with exhaustion, he collapsed into a chair and buried his head in his hands. Tears quietly slid down his face as he calculated all the hours and days and weeks that he had been struggling to perfect his new line of jams. Even though he collected a steady paycheck working for the Anti-Villain League, somewhere deep down inside he knew that his jellies and jams could succeed if only he found the right recipe. To come so close and yet be so far was utterly discouraging for him.

A sudden rap on the door almost made Gru jump out of his pants. All of the Minions giggled nervously and clustered together like a bunch of bananas.

"All right…who is it out zere?" Gru challenged. He tilted his head to listen for the noise and started when the knock came again. Jerry screamed in fright and leaped into Kevin's arms, shaking like a leaf in a vortex. Kevin rolled his eyes and let Jerry drop carelessly to the floor. Jerry stood up, rubbing his buttocks. He glared at Kevin furiously, but Kevin only smirked and whacked Jerry far away with his golf club.

"Vhat is going on out zere?" Gru demanded. He cautiously slunk over to the door, carrying his largest, most dangerous gun for protection. He peeked out the slot in the front window warily. There was nobody there. The only thing outside was a suspicious-looking weapon that looked like an inflated orange balloon attached to some sort of ray gun.

"Huh. Zat's strange," Gru commented. He wondered if he had perhaps imagined the knock on the door. He shrugged, put his gun in his pocket, and turned away from the door. He was just beginning to walk back towards the lab when the tapping reverberated for a third time.

"All right zen! You asked for it!" Gru shouted. He whipped out the gun, pulled the trigger, and let the huge hissing fireball slam through the door. The flash blinded him for a moment, forcing him to close his eyes. When he was able to focus again, the only things he saw were a gigantic smoking hole in his door, the weapon outside now broken and seeping goo, and the singed, faintly smoldering silhouette of what appeared to be a girl Minion.

Gru rubbed his eyebrows in confusion and jolted when pieces of hair came off on his hand. He'd used the fireball gun at Super Silly Funland before, but he'd never been affected by it himself. Either he'd gotten too close to the fireball it discharged, or somehow the door had caused the effect to bounce back on him.

Gru didn't have too much time to worry about his eyebrows, however. That was because in the next moment, the scorched girl Minion grabbed the ruined weapon, aimed it at him, and caused him to dissolve into a writhing heap of goo on the floor.


End file.
